Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Divas’ rules of romance

By RONDA RICH
Guest Columnist

The divas, it was decided at a recent meeting, have very precise rules for men who wish to date, love or marry us.

This isn’t lopsided because the divas also have firm rules by which the men should be treated by us. They are to be babied, worshipped, cuddled and cooked for. This, however, is not to be done by sacrificing the throne of power.

“The objective,” Merri Grace lectured to the congregants, “is to teach them to simultaneously adore and fear us.”

Now, the divas have no problem following the strict guidelines we have set for ourselves. A set of rules that dictates the necessity of sexy night gowns, beautiful lingerie that matches worn under dresses or jeans, and high heels that always accentuates the curve of the legs.

The problem we’re having is getting the men to follow their rules. It was unanimously agreed that the most important rule to which men should be adhering is that of being reliable and always calling when promised. This is the cardinal rule of the High Society of Dixie Divas.

“The first time that a guy doesn’t call me when he said he would, he’s off the list,” I volunteered.

“That’s my girl,” mama cooed from across the room. “Just remember how he treats you in the beginning is an indication of things to come. He treats you the best in the beginning, then it goes down hill from there.”

Knowingly, she clucked her tongue. “So, don’t dare compromise early on or you’ll be sorry.”

The divas agreed that another violation and grounds for immediate dismissal from our royal presence is a man who fails to open the door - any door - for us. If he has the temerity to walk through a doorway in front of us, it is nothing short of shamefully disgraceful.

A friend of mine in New York City, commented once on how he noticed that I always stepped back and waited for him to open the door for me.

“Yes?” I replied, thoroughly perplexed as to why such a silly subject should arise.

“The women in my office would knock me upside the head if I tried to open the door for one of them,” he explained.

“I’d knock you upside the head if you didn’t open it for me,” I responded flatly, not amused by a foreign conspiracy to upturn the regal pedestal on which Southern womanhood resides.

The other rules are pretty simple. Flowers for any occasion or for no reason, notes of love left on our cars, under our pillows or delivered through the mail, thoughtful though not necessarily expensive gifts, and terms of endearments which earn major points when uttered openly in front of hunting or poker playing buddies.

Extra points are also awarded when a new outfit is complimented and price is never mentioned except to say, “Whatever it cost, it’s well worth it!” That one is guaranteed to summon the little black lace nightie from the bottom of the cedar chest.

Additionally, I, and a few of the other divas, give points to men who wear cologne and rise when we enter a room or approach a table. It may sound labor intensive but we’re worth it.

Don’t forget that we wear lingerie that matches and a lot of times, it’s even red.

[Ronda Rich, who lives in Gainesville, Ga., is the author of “What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should)” and “My Life In The Pits.”]

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