Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Letting go

By Dr. GREG MOFFATT
Contributing Writer

The summer of 2004 is a time I’ve dreaded for 16 years. My eldest daughter will get her driver’s license.

I’ve always told my children that driving is probably the most dangerous thing they will ever do. Now as my daughter’s 16th birthday looms in the wings, I know she can’t wait for the freedom to drive without me in the car. This is a turning point in many ways.

Even though there will be other turning points before adulthood, in the minds of many teens, a driver’s license marks the transition between childhood and adulthood. Now I will have to wrestle with how much freedom I should give her to go on her own.

However, the question of “how much freedom” is bigger than driving cars. All parents must learn to allow their children to take some responsibility in their own decisions. The question is, how much responsibility can you give them and how much freedom can they handle?

It is a mistaken notion that we raise our children to a specific point in life and then suddendly expect them to be responsible with freedom (like driving a car). Instead, parenting is a process of letting them go a little at a time. When they reach adulthood and they finally leave your home, you will have spent your entire parenting career learning to let go. Their move out of the house at 19 or 20 is simply the capstone of a very long process.

In early childhood, toddlers need very little freedom. Even playtime should be supervised. Toddlers have no concept of the future and they will quickly do things that could hurt themselves. But as they grow, they can earn freedom to make their own decisions: what to wear, when to clean their rooms, etc. This freedom should be directly related to the level of responsibility they display. For example, a child who does his chores when asked may earn the freedom to choose when to do them.

Over the years, children gradually increase the amount of freedom they have as they demonstrate their responsibility with that freedom. Freedom always goes hand-in-hand with responsibility. Those who do not behave responsibly should have less freedom. The trick is learning how to provide opportunities for your children to be responsible without expecting a level of responsibility that is beyond their abilities.

Keep in mind even the most responsible children will make bad decisions. As much as we wish we could protect our children from bad decisions, this is not in their best interest. Some bad decisions can be very good teachers. Careful parenting involves knowing when to allow a child the freedom to fail. We allow them to fail occasionally, but only under safe supervision.

When I was in college I flew small airplanes. My instructor was always near the controls, but once in a while he would allow me to make a bad manuever. As the plane neared a stall or as it began to spin, he would sit back and let me figure out how to correct the problem. Even though it was dangerous, he knew I would learn more by making the mistake and fixing it than I would if he just told me about it. His decision as the instructor involved evaluating how much danger was a reasonable risk for the two of us to teach me the lesson I needed to learn. Obviously, parents shouldn’t allow their children to make mistakes that would cause lasting harm to themselves or to others, but carefully recognizing what mistakes can be afforded is a part of a child’s preparation for adulthood.

My grandfather taught my mother to swim by throwing her over the side of a boat into a lake. “Sink or swim,” he told her. While we may argue whether or not that is the ideal method for learning to swim, it provides a good illustration for letting go. If you always keep your children in the boat, they will not be prepared to swim when the time comes. And it will inevitably come.

(Dr. Moffatt is a child therapist in private practice, author of “The Parenting Journey” and professor of psychology at Atlanta Christian College.)