Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Low-carb living in a high-carb world

By MICHAEL BOYLAN
mboylan@TheCitizenNews.com

If you’ve seen me out and about lately and I’ve been less than my usual friendly self, it’s because I’m on a diet. I don’t mean to be grumpy and it’s nothing against you, but sometimes this diet, and the fact that I have to be on a diet at all, really bugs me.

I’m not fat and I feel healthy, but the doctor said I had to do it, so here I am, wasting away, at least Monday through Friday. When the weekend comes, I cut loose a little bit and allow myself some sugar and carbs and the occasional “cold one.”

The diet isn’t so bad. Doc recommended the South Beach Diet, but it appeared a little too strict, so the wife and I adopted the spirit of the diet but not the exact recipes.

I don’t eat fish and I refuse to drink vegetable juice, so South Beach was out. We are outlawing sugar and carbs during the week, eating more vegetables and exercising more as well.

So far, so good. It looks like I’m losing a bit of that Buddha belly, but I often wonder if I’m losing something more, such as part of my soul.

When I ate Hostess cupcakes willy-nilly, I was a happy, free-spirited lad. If I wanted to crumble Oreos and put them in a sundae made with Spongebob Squarepants ice cream, I could. Life was good and I was happy.

Now my snacks consist of pistachios, sunflower kernels and cheese. I’m down to a Coke or two on the weekends and that just seems downright un-Georgian.

Going out to eat is impossible and looking at all of the other patrons enjoying whatever they want is torture. It feels wildly unfair and I find the fact that I get so riled up over someone eating toast incredibly sad.

Don’t get me started on the grocery store or what I now call “the terrible place filled with stuff I can no longer have.”

This diet is affecting my mind. Last week I made a really strange observation. I was pouring myself my daily bowl of Cheerios (no sugar and it lowers cholesterol. Yay!) when I realized that cereal is like cat food for humans. It looks like dry cat food and the sound it makes hitting the bowl is enough to bring my cats running into the kitchen.

When they realize it’s not for them and then they see me pour milk on it, which must really pain them, they give me that unique feline look, the one that says, “Thanks a lot, jerk.”

It seems like everyone is on the low-carb diet these days. When did this happen? When did the four food groups lose the grain group?

Now, an elementary school production of “The Three Food Groups” would feature a kid dressed up as a piece of bread with an evil-looking curlicue mustache, tying a kid dressed up as a carrot to the train tracks. He would sneer, ”Now, I can fill people with empty calories, make them gain weight and possibly even boost their cholesterol. Nyah-ha-ha!”

I mean, people have lived on the planet for thousands of years eating bread, and now it is evil? Spaghetti is bad? Is Italy under a state of emergency?

OK, sorry, I’m under control. It’s Monday as I write this, so it’s back to meats, cheeses and vegetables with water or milk to drink. I’ll live.

I suppose people do this so that they can live longer. I just hope that if I do live a long life that it’s good at the end. I don’t want to be hooked up to machines for five years, saying, “I gave up eating cupcakes for this?”