Wednesday, March 31, 2004

What will they remember?

“Tell me about when you were little,” my son asked me at supper yesterday.

My kids like hearing stories about when I was a child. Especially for my youngest; it is fun for him to think about what it was like for me to be a kid.

I often wonder what my children will remember most about their childhoods. When your grandchildren ask your children about their childhoods, what will they tell them?

Will they talk about your long walks together, riding bicycles in the summer or vacations that you took together? Will they recall reading books together before bedtime, playing games together in the living room, or playing together in the yard?

Perhaps they will recall always knowing that you were in the audience of a dance recital or on the sideline of a soccer game, even when they were too busy to thank you for giving up your evening or Saturday to attend. Will they recall how you always celebrated with them when they succeeded and how you were always there when they struggled or failed?

Maybe they will recall how much they learned about life by listening to you explain things; how they thought you were the smartest person in the world and that nothing was too big for you to handle. They might even recall how much they learned about themselves as you sat patiently listening to them as they told you stories, talked through their problems, or discussed their dreams.

All of these things are possible, but another scenario is also possible. It might be that they will remember how busy you always were, never having much time to listen to “silly stories” about what happened at school. They may recall anger or irritation as your primary moods and how they always seemed to be in the way and they could not please you.

Will they remember the many hours you spent in fron of the TV, newspaper, or computer, sitting alone and asking not to be bothered? Perhaps worse than that, will they remember anything about you at all?

You may never be president of your corporation, a famous actress or actor, and you may never win a Nobel Peace Prize, but as far as your children are concerned, when you invest in them, you are the CEO, the star, and the best mom or dad in the world.

They don’t care about your resume. I could show my children my five-page vita, but they would simply shurg their shoulders and think, “So what.” Instead, they are interested in whether I care about them and whether or not I care about what is important to them.

When they are small, they care about playing tickle attack, hide and seek, and singing silly songs. When they get older they want to be treated with respect and they want to know you see value in the things they feel are important.

Your children will appreciate the time you invest in them because it lets them know they are important. This is a great responsibility, as great as anything you could put on your resume.

No parent is perfect and we all fail sometimes. However, the preponderance of their thoughts about you and their childhood will be determined by your choices today.

(Dr. Moffatt is a child therapist in private practice, author of “The Parenting Journey” and professor of psychology at Atlanta Christian College.)