Friday, March 19, 2004
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Friday, March 19, 2004 |
| The Man Code By Rick Ryckeley It is a commonly held misbelief that all we menfolk do on the weekends is lay around the house watching football, drinking adult beverages, finding amusing ways to burp the alphabet during the commercials while totally ignoring our wives’ pleas for help around the house. Nothing could be further from the truth. (Well, maybe the burping thing is true.) Someone out there has to stand up and set the record straight! And as yours truly been told many times that he is way out there, I guess that someone’s gonna be me. We had guests coming over for dinner last Saturday night; I know that might be surprising, but they were coming to see The Wife, not me. The Wife was cooking a cake for dessert while I was watching TV. Nope, not football; there’s no football in March. (We need to talk to the NFL about changing that.) She asked me if I’d run to the store for an item she needed. I saw an opportunity to finally do my part to change the perception of menfolk and replied, “I’ll be happy to go honey, but ‘Trading Spaces’ comes on in 45 minutes and Vern’s the guest designer today. Don’t want to miss it.” The Wife said she needed light corn syrup for a cake, threw me the key to the Mercedes (only 400 more payments, and it’ll be paid off) then went back to mixing. I went to the Kroger around the corner, walked up and down every aisle and bought every yellow-tagged sale item I could fit into my cart. Made it to the checkout line and ended up behind the blue-haired lady who wanted to pay her $6 bill in quarters. Finally I made it back home with $80 in groceries; still in plenty of time to watch Vern. My chest swelled up with pride as I pulled into the driveway. The Wife’s going to be so impressed, I though. I saved so much money! She wasn’t. After unloading the four bags, she simply asked, “Hon, did you forget to buy the syrup?” I arched an eyebrow and let out a caveman grunt, “Oooooh?” She tossed me the keys, and I was off again. Thirty minutes till Vern. Not wanting the lady at the checkout line at Kroger to think I was one of those forgetful husbands who would go to the store and buy everything BUT what The Wife sent him to get, I decided to go to Publix for the light corn syrup. Good thing too, Publix had a one day sale on toilet paper ... no limit! I bought what The Wife needed and $50 worth of toilet paper. As I walked into the kitchen, arms full of TP, you should have seen her face. She had two questions, “You do know this is one-ply?” I smiled and informed her that it was on sale. She was so impressed I was such a frugal husband, she couldn’t even speak. Her next question was, “Hon, this is DARK corn syrup; where’s the light corn syrup?” With a furrowed brow and a raised eyebrow, I let out another caveman grunt, “Ooooh nooo.” It was back to the store for light corn syrup. This time it was the Super Wal-Mart across town. They have everything, so they must have one bottle of light corn stuff. I went down every aisle looking for the stuff, determined not to ask for help finding it. We menfolk don’t ask for help; it’s against the Man Code. After passing the same stock lady four times, I decided that pleasing The Wife was more important than the Code. I turned around and went down the same aisle a fifth time to ask her help finding the corn stuff, but she took off running. Guess she thought I was stalking her. Finally, I found it by myself, the Man Code still intact, and was on my way home in no time. Ten minutes till Vern. I walked into the kitchen, set the bag on the counter, and cut on the TV to “Trading Spaces.” Vern would be on soon. This week he’s redoing a bathroom with white bead board. It’s gonna look just like Cape Cod. You know you’ve done something really wrong when your mom calls you by your first, middle, and last name. Well, wives are the same way. The Wife called me by my first, middle AND last name. She asked, “Hon, I need light corn syrup. This is a box of corn starch.” She didn’t like my answer that corn syrup was only sugar and water. Anyway, we had plenty of that; sugar was on sale at Kroger and I got two 10-pound bags. I just looked down at the ground, shook my head and was going to let out another caveman grunt when she added, “Don’t grunt; just go. Hurry or you’ll miss Vern.” This time it was back to Kroger. The Man Code states: “Fourth trip to the grocery store for the same item? You are no longer doing The Wife a favor; you are now on a personal challenge.” I was met at the front door of Kroger by the same checkout lady as before. She had a bottle of light corn syrup in her hand. Seems The Wife called ahead, not just at Kroger, but all the grocery stores in town. Guess she didn’t want me to waste any more time looking, and wanted me to get home to watch Vern. The Wife — she’s so thoughtful. I got to watch “Trading Spaces,” The Wife got to bake her cake, and the dinner party came off without a hitch. During dessert I announced, “Hope everyone one enjoys the cake. You have no idea what I went through to help with it.” The Wife just let out a cave woman grunt, “Oooooh” and shook her head. I don’t think she can do that; I think it’s against the Code. [Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at saferick@bellsouth.net.] |