Friday, January 916 2004
|
Friday, January 916 2004 |
|
Welcome to Slugdom By Rick Ryckeley A slug is, for the most part, a docile little invertebrate spending all of its time eating, sleeping, and just lying around being a slug. It’s aptly named. One of God’s small creatures overlooked ‘til we accidentally step on it. But we can learn a lot from the misunderstood slime trailer. A slug is not in any big hurry to do anything especially anything physical. You’ve never seen one running, have you? The slug motto: eat a lot, lie around, and if you need anything done just tell The Boy to go get it. Okay, so I added that last part, but you get the idea. Just add football and a remote control, and the life of a slug doesn’t sound too bad. After all of the cooking and baking The Wife did this past holiday season and the many pounds I have gained, I now consider myself to be the first official human slug! I’m sure there’re a lot of fellow slugs out there, especially those of you who have overindulged during the past months. Welcome all to Slugdom! Ah, Slugdom, where us slugs just lie around, munching on Christmas cookies, snacking on assorted Hershey chocolates, gobbling mass amounts of holiday food seeing just how much weight we can gain while watching endless hours of bowl games on TV. The only real worries that a slug has are whether someone will pour salt on it and whether the food will run out. But Slugdom, aka the holiday season, is in danger! Be afraid, all you fellow slugs! Something’s afoot that could spell the end to our beloved way of life. If they get their way it will be no more super-sizing at the drive-thru. Extra butter on that salty popcorn at the movies will be a thing of the past and Aunt Martha’s finger-licking-good-double chocolate cake? No more! The Wife’s double pineapple pound cake will be but a fond memory of crumbs. What horrendous thing could put an end to the many slime trails to the refrigerator? Well, none other than the first-of-the-year workout craze. Oh the horror! Each January we slugs are bombarded with ads of thin models in fitness center commercials working out to be even thinner! They’re always smiling and laughing and never seem to sweat. I’ve got one question. Where are all these people? I’ve been working out in gyms for the last 30 years, never have I seen a thin model from TV working out. Ya know why? They don’t have to! They’re already thin! Only people I see in gyms are the overweight, sweaty, non-smiling types. You know ... us slugs. I must confess — as slugs go, I’m of the holiday variety. Otherwise I’m a rather active fellow. But even so, all the fitness ads on radio and TV the last couple of weeks are enough to make even a holiday slug like me run, er, slime for the hills. But to be fair to the health care industry let’s break out the old Ben Franklin balance sheet and look at the pros and cons of going to the gym to get back into shape. Here’s the con side to going to the gym: in January there’s just no time and there are no parking spaces. It’s hard to find a parking space ‘cause all the other slugs are out trying to get back into shape. Better to put it off ‘til April; then there will be lots of empty spaces to choose from. If you can wait ‘til April, summer’s right around the corner and so is vacation time. Why get started in April and workout for a couple of months just to stop for the summer? Better not start ‘til the fall. During the fall, the kids are starting back to school. With all the shopping to do, there just won’t be enough time to work out. Better wait till the winter break. When winter break comes, it’s the holiday season again and you’ll be too busy shopping, wrapping presents and baking goodies to have time for a workout in the gym ... best just to put it off ‘til January. See? I told you; there’s just no time. Working out can be stressful! If you do find the time and a parking space, once inside the gym you’re constantly looking for that really fat person to work out next too so you won’t look so big. The treadmills are always full, and even if they’re not, they should be so us slugs will have another excuse not to work out. Gym membership costs $50 a month, money that could be spent on high-quality, fat-filled, artery-clogging, sugary-tasting snacks for when your buds come over to watch all those football bowl games. Perhaps the best argument for not working out is that it takes a lot of time — time that could better be spent in your favorite reclining chair with a remote in your hand. Here’s the pro side to not going to the gym: being a slug takes a whole lot less effort. It’s much easer to be a slug; people expect a lot less out of you. Being a slug saves time; you don’t have to drive to the gym three times a week. This, in turns, cuts down on the wear and tear of the local streets, saves on fuel and helps to reduce air pollution. A slug doesn’t worry if it’s in shape or not or what other people think about it. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Look at that slug; it really needs to lose some weight.” Have you? A slug doesn’t care what it looks like out in public; t’s a slug. There you have it. Pro or con, it’s better not to go to the gym and to just be a slug. But if told you need to get into shape by your loved one, just smile and simply say, “Dear I am in shape; round is a shape,” as you make a slime trail for that last holiday cookie. [Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at saferick@bellsouth.net.]
|