Friday, December 12, 2003
Friday, December 12, 2003 |
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Atomic wedgies, bullies and insurance-speak By Rick Ryckeley Last week we had a little mishap with the car. Unfortunately, it was an incredibly expensive little mishap, one that caused us to call the insurance company to see if we were covered. After being on the phone for over an hour and then filling out countless insurance forms, I’ve come to the brilliant conclusion once again that things were a lot simpler and a lot cheaper back in the day when we were kids especially all this business about insurance. Back in Mrs. Crabtree’s fifth-grade class at Mount Olive Elementary school, we also paid for insurance. The insurance we had wasn’t on cars, it was on us, and the premiums weren’t paid in dollars they were paid in sticky bun cinnamon rolls. All of us kids from Flamingo Street sat at the same table during lunch: Goofy Steve, Neighbor Thomas, Booger, Art, The New Kid, and Twin Brother Mark. At the end of the table sat Bubba Hanks. Bubba’s sat there ‘cause he needed the room for his two trays. Bubba ate a lot of food! We all sat together, not just to plan how we would win the upcoming after-lunch dodge ball game against Team Gloucester (which, by the way, we always lost), but also for protection. We knew if one of us gave Bubba an extra sticky bun cinnamon roll during lunch, he’d protect us for the rest of the day from the bullies who sat just two tables over. Now Bubba said we didn’t have to ‘cause he really liked to pound on bullies, but we always gave him one anyway. Guess you’d call it bully insurance, and I needed it more than most. Down The Street Bully Brad was the resident bully at Mount Olive and my arch nemesis. He’d try to beat me up at least once a week, but right before we got out for Christmas break things were gonna be different - Booger and me were gonna give him an Atomic Wedgie! The plan was to sneak up behind Bully Brad when he was talking with his bully friends during recess and give him a wedgie. A bold plan indeed, but if we could give the bully a wedgie, then maybe we could make it an Atomic Wedgie by pulling his under pants up so hard that we pulled them right over his shoulders! Afterwards, I’d run for my life, of course. They didn’t call me Flash in the fifth grade because I was slow. If Bully Brad caught me - well then, that’s when the insurance, er, Bubba Hanks came in. Bubba Hanks weighed over 200 pounds and was only in the fifth grade. In the second grade Bubba was out sick from school for three months due to a bad kidney infection and had to repeat it the next year. Even though he was a year and a half older than me, he and I had been in the same grade since. Some say the kidney infection was why he’s so big. He had to lie in bed for months and do nothing - I guess he did something; he ate. But if you ask me, Bubba was so big ‘cause he really liked those sticky bun cinnamon rolls he got at lunch. That afternoon before the dodge ball game, Booger and I snuck up behind Bully Brad during recess and reached for his underpants. That was the same time he turned around and sneered! At that moment I didn’t have to run faster than Bully Brad, all I had to do was run faster than Booger. Like I said, lucky for me I could run really fast back in the fifth grade. When I was running for my life from Bully Brad, Goofy Steve danced around and sang, “Flash is running from the bully today so he can live to run another day.” That Goof, he’s really funny. What about our car and the insurance coverage? (The Wife reminds me that it’s not just a car, it’s a Mercedes.) Well, after two long conversations with the insurance company, and a visit from an adjuster, they came to this final conclusion (spoken, of course, in insurance-speak): “The insured part was indeed insured, but we are sorry to inform you that it flew off and hit an uninsured part. Now the part that was once insured is no longer insured.” I think the people at the insurance company need an Atomic Wedgie. Just as soon as I find Booger, we’ll sneak down there. [Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at saferick@bellsouth.net.]
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