Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Listen to yourself

By GREGORY K. MOFFATT, PH. D
Child's Play

Even though I work with children all the time and I try always to measure my words carefully, I sometimes forget how I sound to them. Even adults misinterpret our meaning by listening to our tone. People I work with have misunderstood my animated tone as anger when it was actually frustration, disappointment, or excitement. More than once my own children have believed that I was angry with them, not because of my words, but because they misunderstood how I said those words.

Adults are giants in the eyes of young children. We are more than twice as tall as young children and we outweigh them by two or three times. Imagine talking to your boss if he were twelve feet tall and outweighed you by 150 pounds or more. Suppose he came to your desk, towered over you and in a stern voice said, "Do this quickly and don't get distracted." Even though he may not have been angry or frustrated with you in any way, his mere presence would be intimidating. Just last week I was presenting a seminar to police officers and military personnel. One man who came up to me afterward was easily six and a half feet tall and he probably outweighed me by 100 pounds. He told me that because he was often loud when he spoke and because he was so big, people who worked under him thought he was mad all the time. It was his size that magnified his tone.

Because of our size it is especially important that we always listen to ourselves when we talk to our children. Our children want to please us, but if we appear angry, it is frightening to them. They know they are no match for us and they have no control over us or their own lives. In many ways, they are at our mercy. Have you ever found yourself confronted by someone in authority over you? Isn't it comforting when they understand you and you know they are on your side even if you have done something wrong?

A child can easily misinterpret impatience or frustration as anger. I do my best always to sound calm, even when I'm upset with my children. Of course, I don't always succeed at this goal, but I try. If I am loud when I really am angry, that anger is magnified in the child's eyes. Because our size magnifies our tone, the child could easily believe he has committed an unpardonable act. This creates fear in the child when what we really want is cooperation, change of attitude, or change in behavior.

There are two strategies I use to help communicate more effectively with children. First, I always try to remain calm when I talk with children, even if I'm upset, frustrated, or angry. I let my words, not my tone, indicate what the problem is and what I want the child to do. If I want the child to know that I am angry, I will say so using words like, "Your behavior has made me angry," rather than high volume. Second, I always try to talk eye-to-eye with children. I make it a habit to get down on one knee anytime I talk to young children. This brings us to an even playing field and helps them to see my face more clearly. Seeing them eye-to-eye allows me to read them better as well, making it easier to notice if they have misunderstood me or misinterpreted my words.

The goal is to accurately communicate what I want the child to understand and to accurately receive messages, verbal and nonverbal, that the child sends to me. These two strategies, speaking in a calm voice and talking eye-to-eye with the child, help me to accomplish that goal with my clients, the children I encounter at grade schools and at church, and with my own children.