Friday, March 28, 2003
Friday, March 28, 2003 |
| Confessions
of a cover hog: There's one in nearly every relationship
By Rick Ryckeley Being married to The Wife, I've learned many things. Don't come between her and a mocha-chocka-lotta thingie ground fresh from imported dark brown coffee beans first thing in the morning or any other time of day, for that matter. Its okay for me to help clean the house but not okay for me to do laundry anymore. Anytime I want to go out and treat her to a nice dinner and a movie is just fine with her. And, oh yeah, I'm a Cover Hog. There, I said it. It's finally out in the open. Yes, I'm a Cover Hog. Pick any relationship out there, and you'll find that one person participating in that relationship is a Cover Hog. For all you closet Cover Hogs out there, they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. I've been a Cover Hog since I was five years old, but it's not my fault. The reason for my cover hogginess has a lot to do with the person I shared a room with for the first eighteen years of life. That would be Twin Brother Mark. Well Mark and the Under-The-Bed Monster that lived in our room. When we moved into our new house on Flamingo Drive, all us kids got to pick out our own bedrooms 'cept me. I was the youngest and Twin Brother Mark was the oldest so he picked out our room. He thought it was a good idea to pick the bedroom at the rear of the house, the one with lots of windows overlooking the swamp in the back yard. It would have been the coolest room in the house if it hadn't been that it was already occupied by the Under-The-Bed Monster. As big as he was, the Under-The-Bed Monster was scared of the light. Growing up, we always had a jar of lightning bugs on the toy chest in the corner when we went to sleep. The lightning bugs kept him at bay. Our back yard was full of them ever spring, summer, and fall, flying all around the swamp. Collecting them was an easy task for two energetic five-year-olds. As long as we had our jar of lightning bugs on the toy chest, he would stay well hidden under the bed. The problem came in the winter: no lightning bugs down at the swamp. The winter was the only time the Under-The-Bed Monster came out. Once I put jelly beans in the jar, but he wasn't fooled. He still came out after dark. The next morning the jelly beans were all gone, but the Under-The-Bed Monster wasn't. I think he likes jelly beans, least that's what Twin Brother Mark told me. At night you could hear him move around the room, playing with all of our toys. In the morning Mom would get mad at us for not cleaning our room before we went to bed. She didn't believe us when we told her we did, and that the Under-The-Bed Monster messed it all up again. The first night in our new Flamingo Drive house, Mom tucked us in bed. As she did she said, "Sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite." "Great." I thought, "I was just worried about the Under-The-Bed Monster. Now I have to worry about Biting Bed Bugs too! I'll never get any sleep." I pulled the blanket up around my chin and tuck it in all around so none of it draped over the side of the bed. If it did, the Under-The-Bed Monster, not to mention all those Biting Bed Bugs, could climb up and bite me. In the middle of the night, every night, Twin Brother Mark would reach over from his twin bed and pull the covers off of me. Blankie and all! There I lay in my PJ's, exposed to those Biting Bed Bugs and the Under-The-Bed Monster. So you see, my cover hogginess has nothing to do with me wanting The Wife to freeze at night. No, it's just a matter of survival of the fittest. I learned long ago, it's either me in a cocoon of sheets and covers or the Biting Bed Bugs and the Under-The-Bed Monster. I think I can keep them at bay. That is as long as Twin Brother Mark doesn't come for a visit. Just a side note for all you parents of twins out there. It's not cool to dress the twins up in identical clothes. We don't like that. And don't even get me started on the "you're twins, you can share all of your toys" thing. One last comment about twins: Where is it written because twins spend the first nine months together in a small cramped space, we have to spend the next 18 years sharing the same small cramped bedroom space? Just because we're twins doesn't mean we get along all the time. If you asked my Mom, Twin Brother Mark and I were kicking each other from the get go. [Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at firemanr@bellsouth.net.]
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