Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Get a life

By GREGORY K. MOFFATT, PH. D
Child's Play

I read an article last month about a woman who was suing her employer because one of her co-workers used a vague racial label that she found offensive. She sued saying that the use of the epithet demonstrated that the workplace was hostile and fostered racial discrimination.

Before I continue, let me make it clear that I recognize that all forms of discrimination exist, they are undesirable, and that we should strive to remove discrimination from our culture. However, perceptions of superiority (based on gender, race, religion, age, etc.) will always be a part of any culture. At some point we must recognize the fact that there will always be hateful and bigoted people among us. We cannot let that stop us from getting on with life.

In the past several decades we have moved from recognizing and prosecuting overt discrimination to a ridiculous position that no one should ever be insulted or have their feelings hurt. As a culture, that teaches our children a very unrealistic lesson. In our home we do not use unkind words to refer to each other and it is of utmost importance to my wife and I that our children use words that build up not only their siblings, but also their friends.

Yet the reality is that we all will have our feelings hurt at one time or another. Our apparent cultural expectation that no one should ever say anything mean to us distracts us from a more realistic expectation. Perhaps even more importantly, it distracts us from a more helpful position that proposes another's words will not determine how we feel about ourselves.

Most of us recognize that often when our children have their feelings hurt by some unkind or thoughtless thing someone has said to them, either intentionally or on purpose, that the most appropriate response is to ignore it. Little minds use little words, we say. Let them call names all they want. You are bigger than that, we tell our children.

Yet in the workplace, when the very same thing happens to us, we need a lawyer to ensure that the offender is duly punished for creating a "hostile" environment. Where we could be teaching our children by our example to stretch beyond personal hurts, embracing a mantra that says, "Nothing - not hatefulness, bigotry, or thoughtlessness - can stand in my way as I pursue my life's goals," instead, we chant, "get a lawyer."

I say, "Get a life."

Lawsuits and punitive damages may occasionally be necessary to silence systemic racism and bias. However, as individuals, we need to thicken our skins a little bit. It appears that we are trying to create a culture where nobody will ever say anything that could possibly be interpreted as derogatory. The finger-pointing that goes on among supposedly mature adults reminds me of the petty arguing I hear from children when they cry, "He called me a name!"

Enough already. I know who I am and it doesn't matter what you call me. I want my children to develop that same mentality. It doesn't matter if a classmate calls them stupid, ugly, dumb, or any other name - they are what they are, regardless of some thoughtless label thrust upon them by some small-minded, ignorant, or bigoted person.

I recognize that anyone who dares raise this issue is likely to be branded a bigot. I don't deny racism, sexism, ageism, or a host of other "isms." Of course there are bigots in our country and there is no denying that many people have suffered, been denied equal access to services, and been hatefully targeted because of their skin color, gender, age, or some other variable.

What I deny is that anyone in the culture can determine how I feel about myself simply by using a word. I deny that the use of a word can paralyze me. I also deny that I should expect my children never to have their feelings hurt. It is this position that I choose and I challenge you to do the same.