Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Planning helps stepfamilies avoid holiday conflicts

Want to keep the holidays fun for stepfamilies? Plan ahead.

"Facing change is key when stepfamilies gather for holiday celebrations," said Dr. James Bray, associate professor at the Family and Community Medicine department at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. "It's unrealistic for newly formed stepfamilies to expect to function as a typical nuclear family and to carry on the same holiday traditions."

Some stepfamily members may feel sad or angry that the nuclear family will not be coming together to celebrate in the same way as past holidays. Children may experience anxiety because they have to travel or visit two households during the holidays in order to be with biological parents. Talking about these new lifestyle adjustments and making holiday plans that accommodate the changes can smooth the way to happier celebrations.

Bray encourages stepfamilies to be creative when scheduling holiday gatherings. Some stepfamilies find it best to plan their celebrations for a day other than the actual holiday so that all members can be there.

When it comes to family traditions, everything from how to carve the turkey to when to open the gifts has the potential for arguments.

"If one family is used to opening gifts in the evening and the other family has always waited until the morning, the stepfamily can compromise by opening a few gifts at both times," said Bray.

Dr. Bray suggests the following:

Discuss expected responsibilities. Don't wait until turkey time to decide who says thanks at the family table ­ especially when the table includes new family members added by remarriage.

See the holidays through a child's eyes. Children of divorced parents want contact with all their family members. When children come to visit, don't begrudge their need to phone their primary caregiver.

Make travel as smooth as possible. If children are traveling to another parent, help relieve anxiety by telling them how they will travel, who will meet them and when the visit will end.

Break tradition and develop new holiday rituals that give the stepfamily its own sense of identity.

Above all, Bray says stepfamilies should keep a sense of humor. Laughter and a focus on having fun can help overcome most challenges as members adjust to the new stepfamily arrangement.