Friday, November 29 2002

By Rick Ryckeley
Fayette County Fire & Emergency Services

The guide "Tips on How to Survive the Day After" can be used by anyone over the age of 18 who is married or otherwise in a committed relationship. The author (that'll be me) assumes no responsibility if you follow this guide and your better half gets upset, mad, or leaves you for someone else.

Luckily, the "day after" only comes once a year; otherwise, none of our relationships would be able to survive the incredible stress associated with it. What day am I talking about, you might ask? Just the most humongous shopping day of the year! That's right; it's the day after Thanksgiving, and the world is on sale.

Your boss has seen fit to give you the day off, and you're gonna spend it watching wall-to-wall football. Your eyes will be glued to the wide screen TV and your butt will be glued to the recliner ­ right?

Wrong! You're in a relationship, remember? The day after turkey day you're gonna be dragged out of bed early, kicking and screaming, and you'll spending the next 12 hours shopping for Aunt Louise and Uncle Bob's Christmas presents.

"How will I ever make through this day?" you might ask. Sounds like you need my "Tips on How to Survive the Day After."

Tip number one: When you arrive at the mall, make sure you shop at the shoe store first. Whether it's an indoor mall or an outdoor mall (usually called outlet stores), the shoe place should be your first stop. Buy a comfortable pair of walking shoes 'cause you're gonna need them ­ 12 hours is a lot of shopping. Buy her a pair of shoes also; you'll get big points for being thoughtful. All points can be cashed in once you get home. If you follow tip number one, you will start off on a good foot. (Sorry about that one.)

Tip number two: No matter what store you go into, if it's not an electronics or sports store, you will be bored out of your mind. Get used to it, or it will be a very long day. Any store she goes into you must at least step three feet inside the doorway. Don't make my mistake and stand less than one foot inside the door glowering at The Wife as she picks up every cutesy thing-a-ma-jig in the store. Instead, make nice comments on the items she picks up, like, "Oh yes, Dear, that's the cutest Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker I've ever seen. Uncle Bob will just love it." If you don't, during the trip home, you will pay. Special note: If, while in any store, you pick up an item and look interested in it, you'll get extra points.

Tip number three: Baby strollers can work in your favor. When you arrive at the mall, offer to push the baby stroller so she can have her hands free to grab bargains. Most businesses will not allow you in their stores with a baby stroller anyway, so guess what? You and it must stay outside while she does all the shopping. You'll get extra points for being considerate about pushing the stroller all over the mall, and you get out of going into the stores. This is a win-win situation. Warning: This works best if you make the offer only to your wife. If not, results may vary greatly.

Tip number four: You'll need a list ... a very long list. No matter how distant a relative, don't suggest leaving any family member out of the gift-giving process. If you want to know just how extended your extended family really is, just go shopping for Christmas presents at the mall. Even Uncle Bob's son twice removed will get a present. Heck, I wish I was just once removed (removed at once from shopping for our forty-some-odd closest family and friends). You'll get extra points for having a list and checking it twice.

Tip number five: Time is very important when you're shopping. It's very important she doesn't see you checking the time while she's shopping and you're standing (lurking) in the doorway of stores. If you're caught looking at your watch, your time could be up. You'll be in big trouble, and it could wipe out all points you've earned so far. Special note: If busted, just say, "Honey, it's about lunch time. Why don't we eat at the food court and afterwards I'll buy you a moco-choca-lota-thingiee at Starbucks." This will not only get you out of a bad situation, but no woman can resist a moco-thingiee from Starbucks. Put yourself down for major points if you can pull this one off.

The final tip for surviving the day after: During your shopping ordeal, while she thinks you're just lurking in doorways, be on the lookout for that special gift for her. After lunch, double back, buy it, and have it gift-wrapped. Once you get home and unload the car, tell her you found an extra one, would she like it? After she opens it and finds the card you strategically placed inside, you'll get your present. Then you can watch wall-to-wall football the rest of the night with one contented wife by your side. Happy shopping.

[Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at firemanr@bellsouth.net.]

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