Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Dating again and blended families

By GREGORY K. MOFFATT, PH. D
Child's Play

The term "blended families" describes the union of couples with children after divorce of their respective spouses. When a parent elects to marry another person who also has children, the newly created dynamic can be rather complicated.

The children of each adult may still harbor a host of emotions regarding the divorce of their biological parents - resentment, anger, relief, hatred, and anguish. At the time of the divorce they have little or no control over the decisions their parents made. Lack of control over one's life is a very hopeless feeling. Then, when remarriage is in the offing, yet again decisions are made beyond their control.

Even if parents ask a child's opinion, the child is forced to choose between what he or she may really want, and the fact that one's decision may mean Mom or Dad cannot pursue a happy relationship with the person they are thinking of marrying. It is an unfair position in which to be placed. Unless the child really wants the parent to remarry, the child loses no matter what choice he or she makes.

With the new union comes the logistics of either moving into a home with new brothers and/or sisters or having new people move into one's own home. Imagine being forced to move into a home belonging to a workmate or having that workmate move into your home, share your bathroom and perhaps even your own bedroom. Even if we liked our workmate, few of us would enjoy being forced into a situation like this and yet it is this very scenario that children of blended families are forced to endure.

This doesn't mean that the difficulties are insurmountable and it doesn't mean that children cannot accommodate to new living arrangements. Rather it is important to consider the dramatic emotional and logistical effects of blending families on the children involved.

Many times in therapy I have worked with blended families whose children are experiencing rebellion, school difficulties, or incorrigibility. The behaviors are clearly the child's response, as least in large part, of divorce and remarriage, yet the adults failed to seriously consider how their decisions would affect their children. Even if they do consider those affects, many times the adults just assume the children will easily overcome those problems and they marry anyway.

Parents should consider how potentially traumatizing blending a family can be prior to even engaging in a romantic relationship. In fact, some experts suggest that parents should not even date while they have young children. This suggestion often is not very realistic, but I think it does emphasize the seriousness of dating and the many complicating issues involved in divorce, new romance and remarriage.

I suggest that parents seriously consider maintaining only casual relationships while their children are small. It is very easy for children to experience hope (or fear) that each new man or woman that the parent dates could be the next new dad or mom. In their attempt to fit in with the child, these potential mates bring presents and treat these children kindly, thereby only compounding the child's hurt and confusion when the relationship dissolves.

I have seen many children in my clinical practice who have divorced mothers or fathers who date. The child re-experiences the pain of divorce each time a new man or woman comes into the parent's life and then disappears. For this reason, if you plan to pursue romance, it is best to keep your relationship separate from your children and your family life. Only when marriage is likely should the potential spouse be introduced to and become a part of your children's lives.

When blending a family, parents should make their best effort not only to respect their children's physical space - their bedrooms, bathrooms, and possessions - but they should also be prepared for an emotional reaction from their children. While some children may resent the parent's new relationship, others are happy that the parent has found love again. Even so, they will be torn between many conflicting emotions. Providing ample time for discussion of feelings, hopes, and dreams can help ease this transition.

As your child expresses his or her thoughts about the relationship and the potential family blending, listen with a discriminative ear for clues to what your child really wants. Respecting your child's wishes as best you can will empower your child and make him or her less resentful when blending occurs. When necessary, professional therapeutic intervention can also help.