By Rick Ryckeley
Fayette County Fire & Emergency Services

You say you don't feel like your life's complete 'til someone tells you just how inadequate, antiquated, and stupid you really are? Do you enjoy being argued with, talked back to and told constantly that you don't understand? Can't wait to know how wrong you are about "like everything"? Enjoy repeating yourself three or four times before someone answers, "Uh what. Did you say something? I wasn't listening." Did you ever want to talk to someone who has the right answer for everything?

Then do I have a deal for you! You too can have a teenager living in your house. No need to hurry this is not a limited-time offer. Know-it-all teenagers seem to be in ample supply.

I never knew how important it was to have baggy pants, body piercing, tattoos, pagers, cell phones, neon lights under oneís car, pink hair and belly button rings 'til I got my very own teenager. Now I know, "They're like, the most important things in life."

It's amazing how all teenagers have become so smart, while all adults have become so stupid. If you ask most, they'll tell you they don't understand how their parents can chew gum and walk at the same time. There's not a subject you can bring up that teenagers aren't experts on. If your teenager's not the expert, then one of his teenage friends is.

Want someone to follow you around and say you don't know how to use a computer or hook up a TV to a DVD player? Need someone around to say, "You're old! Don't touch it! You'll break it!"? Want a reason to question why you ever decided to have children in the first place? Then a teenager is just what you need.

The advantages of having a teenager in the house are indeed many. For one, a teenager can keep you from worrying. You'll never have to worry about talking in complete sentences your teenager will not let you finish one before he interrupts.

Never again will you have to worry what to do with all of that extra money. You know, all the money you were trying to save for retirement and you weren't sure how to invest? No need to worry now. After paying for a teenager, car insurance, and college, you won't have any extra money. But, on the other hand itís been written that if a man has many children he is truly rich. (Don't know if that's true or not I have only one and feel that I'm the richest man in the county.)

Worried about the plummeting stock market and your retirement investments? Worry no longer; a teenager can eat up your money quicker than any downturn in the market can. Can't seem to fill all that free time you have on the weekends? Again, no worries. You'll spend most of the time driving your teenager around after he loses his license. If this sounds like something you're interested in a deal you can't pass up then I highly recommend having a teenager, maybe even two.

Yes, the advantages of being the parent of a teenager are many, but the advantages of being a parent of a teenage girl are really special. Does the thought of never being able to use your own phone again sound appealing? Don't like all the telemarketers calling around dinner time? Boy, do I "like for sure" have the perfect solution for you! Just have a teenage girl in the house, and you'll never be able to find the phone, much less use it again.

You say you're tired of walking by and seeing towels on the floor in the bathroom? With a teenage girl in your house, your worries are over you'll never get to see the inside of a bathroom again. Want to be dragged around to every mall and clothing store in the state for eight years? Then the teenage girl is the perfect solution for you. (But when she walks across the stage, gets her diploma, and hugs you crying saying, "Daddy, I love you. I'll always be your little girl," your heart will melt and it'll all be worth it.)

Want that perfect excuse to be late for work? Just let your teenager drive your car on the weekends. Guarantee that come Monday morning, the gas gauge will be well below the empty line, and you'll run out of gas before you back out of the driveway.

Your teenager can be entertaining, too. Sit back and be amazed as your very own teenager spins a tale of how trees and mailboxes can magically jump out and hit your expensive new car. You'll laugh as they tell you they were doing nothing when the police officer gave them a ticket.

Act now, and as an added bonus, you too can find out where the center of the universe really is. Ask your new teenager, and they'll tell you, "Everyone knows that it's truly a Teen-O-Centric Universe." These are but a few of the advantages you will find in having your very own teenager in the house.

You might ask, "How do I get my own teenager?" Well, dear reader, just follow some simple steps and you too could be the proud parent of a know-it-all teenager. Step one: Take your wife on a romantic vacation for a week. Step two: Wait about fourteen short years, and you will have your very own know-it-all.

I suggest having them while you're young when you really don't know any better. Heck, have two or three. That way you'll never have to worry about extra money, free time, retirement or peace of mind ever again. (But then, your teenager comes back from college, all grown up, and shows you the things he's learned. With pride you listen as they tell you things you've never learned. When it's time for them to go they turn and say, "Thanks for all the sacrifices that you and Mom made for us." As they walk away you think that maybe now they do know everything after all.)

Mark Twain once said some interesting words about having teenagers in the house. He said, "When a teenager is 14, they should be put in a wooden barrel, the lid placed on, nailed shut, and fed through the small hole in the side. At age 15 you should plug up the hole." Didn't say I agreed with his words; just said they were interesting.

[Rick Ryckeley is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services. He can be reached at saferick@bellsouth.net.]

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