Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Right, wrong, and 'that's not fair'

By GREGORY K. MOFFATT, PH. D
Child's Play

Starting around two years of age, children begin developing a rudimentary sense of morality right and wrong. Adults tend to think of morality in relationship to religious teachings; however, developmental morality is different from religious beliefs, although it can be related to one's religion. Prior to age nine or ten, children are incapable of understanding the abstract nature of religion. Their ideas about right and wrong are based on sets of rules. These rules change as the child matures.

Rules are established by parents, sometimes based on religious background, but also based on the parent's beliefs about what is acceptable and what is not. Children in early childhood cannot distinguish the difference between a religious taboo and something that "we just don't do" in the home. For example, in many religions it is sinful to harm another person. In many of those same homes, smoking may be prohibited and children may be taught the dangers of smoking. Therefore, in these homes young children interpret smoking the same way they interpret hitting - it is "sinful" (although they would not use this term). Even though smoking is a social taboo, not a religious taboo, there was no distinction between the two.

Starting with age 2, children are able to understand that there are things they are expected to do or things that they should not do. One of the first words they learn is "no." When a child uses the word "no" correctly, she is demonstrating intent. She knows what is expected and is intentionally defying that expectation. What is right or wrong at this early stage of development is based completely on whether or not one gets into trouble for doing the thing in question. If one does not get into trouble or get caught at the behavior, it is acceptable. (I find it fascinating that many adults operate on this same immature belief system.)

At age 5 or 6, children are concerned with how others perceive them. Being perceived as a good child is closely related to one's view of morality. Therefore, at this age, not only do some children still relate morality with getting into trouble, they also begin to believe that something is morally wrong if people will be mad at you if you do it. If you can do something and others will not be angry (or if they will be pleased with you), then the behavior is "morally" acceptable. By the end of this early childhood stage, most children will operate on a fixed set of rules. In other words, for children between 8 and 10, something is wrong if it is against the rules. These children tend to be legalistic and they are incapable of understanding the many nuances that accompany evaluating guilt and deciding punishment. Nearly all children under age ten will be frustrated if they see someone getting away with something that they ecognize as wrong.

The meaning of the word "fair" changes as we get older, but for children it is closely related to right and wrong. Well into their elementary school years, children believe that fair means total equality. For example, it isn't fair, in their minds, when someone gets something they do not get. If you get ten jellybeans, it is only fair that I get ten jellybeans, too. Between the ages of six and seven, fair begins to be determined by what a child thinks he earns. He believes that "fair" is related to merit and how hard he works. Therefore, children will get upset with you if they think they worked harder at something than a sibling and yet both they and the sibling receive the same reward.

Fairness, as children understand it, is difficult to apply and many times it is best if parents did not try to be "fair" in the sense of equality. Older children, for example, may argue that it is not fair that their younger siblings get away with something that they can't do. Yet what the older child doesn't recognize is that because he is older, he has a different set of expectations. Likewise, younger children may argue that it is not fair that an older sibling gets to stay up later than she does. Again, there are different needs because of the children's ages.

Fairness is not as important as meeting the child's needs. As the parent, I try to be fair by considering my children's developmental ages, their levels of responsibility, and by meeting their needs instead of making sure they always were treated exactly the same way.