Wednesday, August 28, 2002

The decision to conceive

By GREGORY K. MOFFATT, PH. D
Child's Play

There are many reasons why children are abused or mistreated, but one of them is when people have children when they were either ill-prepared for the responsibility or when they didn't want them at all.

Some women become pregnant by accident, either because of ineffective birth control methods or lack of understanding about their own physiology. For example, some women falsely believe that they cannot get pregnant while they are lactating. While lactating women usually do not menstruate, they are still capable of conceiving.

Other misconceptions are harder to believe, but equally based on myth. For example, I once had a client who became pregnant because she believed that if she held her breath during her orgasm she could not become pregnant.

Other couples plan their pregnancies. Their reasons for conceiving are varied. Some conceive to continue their family line while others choose to have children because they believed it was a natural part of life. They believe that if they do not have children they are not complete. Unfortunately, the myth that a family is only complete with children leads parents to have children when they really didn't want them and it also compounds the anguish of couples who are unable to conceive.

The decision to conceive is a personal one that rests solely with the parents. Culture, tradition, or peer influence, while they may be considered in the decision, do not determine whether or not a couple should conceive. The responsibility of being a parent is too great for the decision to be based on these reasons.

As parents decide whether or not to have children, they should consider several issues. For example, are you and your spouse prepared for the financial and emotional cost of parenting and do you both want a child? Do you and your spouse agree that now is the right time? Are you willing to put parenting first, in front of your own personal interests? If the answer to these questions is no, then now is not the time to start a family.

Babies do not fix broken marriages. As an intern I counseled with married couples. Several of my clients had attempted to fix their damaged marriages by having a baby. Their belief was that if they had a common focus, the "cute little baby," that their differences could be overcome and their marriage would improve. Sadly, this is not the case.

Even for healthy marriages, babies add stress; they don't remove stress. Babies require so much attention, time, and money, that to believe that they will fix a damaged marriage is naïve. Adding to the stressed relationship are more expenses, less personal time with the spouse, less privacy for oneself and less sleep. These circumstances exacerbate marriage difficulties. Couples whose marriages are on shaky ground should repair their relationships before adopting or conceiving.

It is possible that after reading this column you may decide that having a child is not for you. If you are not emotionally, financially, and physically ready for the responsibility of having a child, then wait. However, do not let the great responsibility of being a parent frighten you; just respect it.

If you are adequately prepared for having a child, you will find it to be a joyous experience. You will find pleasure in watching your child sleep, hearing his first words, and watching him trying to eat spaghetti for the first time. Your vocabulary will change to include your child's mispronounced words words you will adopt and use with your spouse even when the child is not around. You will learn not to smile while disciplining your child for something that she has done that is funny, but you don't want her to know how funny it is.

If, on the other hand, you decide that you are ready to have a baby, you will find that within just a few weeks after the child's delivery you will find it hard to remember life without your child and you will not want to go back for anything in the world.