Wednesday, April 24, 2002

When you feel like giving up

By GREGORY K. MOFFATT, PH. D
Child's Play

Some days I feel like a complete failure. I wonder if my efforts to make a living as well as trying to be a good husband and father are just a waste of time.

At times like these I fear that all of my energies have made no productive difference in the people with whom I interact and that I have had no noticeable impact on the world. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes.

Every Christmas, millions of people watch the classic film "It's a Wonderful Life." One reason that movie has always been so popular is that so many of us can relate with the hopelessness Jimmy Stuart felt as he saw his world closing in around him.

You probably suppose that now I'm going to tell you some tale about someone whose life was changed dramatically either by someone with whom they interacted. In a sense, I suppose I am, but not the way you might think.

Over the past twenty years, thousands of college students have passed through my various classrooms. Hundreds of clients, both children and adults, have sat in my office chairs or played on my office floor. Thousands of people have heard me speak or read my books or other writings.

In one way or another, perhaps millions of people have interacted with me on airplanes, over the telephone, or at the grocery store. I would suppose that the majority of all of these people don't remember me at all. Many of them may have a vague recollection of some experience with me, but probably don't even remember my name.

During my childhood years, my mother fixed hundreds of meals. She was a great cook and I remember certain recipes that I liked better than others, but I don't think I remember any specific meal. In fact, it would be fair to say that I've forgotten the majority of those meals. However, each sandwich, hotdog, or apple pie met my need for the moment. So many of our social interactions may be like those meals - sustenance for the moment - enough to help us through to the next moment.

Deep down, most of us wish for greatness. We want to make a difference in the world in some way or another, yet most of us will not become household names like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, or Billy Graham.

I wonder sometime what will be said about me at my funeral. I wonder whether people will have to work hard to come up with something nice to say or if it will be easy for them. Most likely, when I die, only a small percentage of the population will be affected by it. Anyone who might read my obituary would think, "Who?"

That doesn't discourage me, though. I know there will be many people who will remember small interactions with me - just meals, so to speak. Yet those meals somehow helped them along the way. Maybe those people will be my children, my sisters, or my spouse. Maybe they will be people that I wouldn't even have remembered. Even though I cannot tell you who they would be, I know there will be people who will remember me.

You may be wondering what all this has to do with being a parent. Parenting has a way of discouraging us. We wonder if our efforts will pay off in the end. When we feel good about our purpose and meaning in life, we are more productive in everything we do.

Be encouraged that your efforts to care for your family, discipline your children, and improve who you are, are not wasted, even if you don't see any immediate, radical change. I am confident that parents who heavily invest their time and energy into being good parents will produce children who will reflect those efforts.

The things that they will remember about you may not involve any specific meal, but they will remember the effects of those meals - the impressions of your character that was shown by the investment of your time, your energy, and your compassion. Those are the enduring things that make it all worthwhile.