Wednesday, February 6, 2002

Book, survey reflect seniors' attitudes toward sex

John held up the newspaper.

"Look at this headline," he said. "The article is by Jane Glenn Haas, and it's syndicated by the Orange County Register."

The article he referred to was titled, "Seniors Say Sex Still Important To Them."

"Some of the people quoted in this article are in their seventies," John said, as Connie's husband, Tom, came through the back door, asking, "Find out where they are?"

Who are they?

They are Frank Sullivan and Regina Parma, a widow and widower in their sixties, who found each other after two years of widowhood. One, happily married for forty-two years, and on the verge of suicide, the other repenting forty-two years of a different marriage of subjugation and abuse.

Frank and Regina are the principal characters in "A Second Journey," (Highbridge Press), a first novel by 75-year-old John A. Chestara, whose story not only addresses an issue that many seniors are reluctant to openly discuss dating and their sexual desires when they find themselves alone in later life but puts it within a romantic tale of second love and the journey these two seniors embark upon.

"Are Dolly and Al, are they..." Connie, Frank's daughter, started to ask. "At their age?" A dubious look came over her face.

And why not a dubious look? A society that reveres youthful good looks largely expects that older people should be asexual, and not interested in sex. Beauty, physical attractiveness, and sex, belong to the young people. Mom and dad? Grandma and grandpa? They should act their age.

Far too many elderly believe that. Society says so. But it should be otherwise.

In a nationwide study about the sexuality of persons 65 and older, by Mark Clements Research, for Parade magazine, in 1996, it was reported that the happiest seniors are those who are sexually active. Findings that are supported by other researchers (Mayo Clinic Health Letter, 1993) citing the "use it or lose it" recommendation about continuing regular sexual activity in life.

As more adults of the Baby Boomer generation progress toward their sixties and seventies, they should know that their sexual expresssion can be a positive aspect of their lives and that there is no upper age limit for healthy sexual function or satisfaction.

A long-term study on all aspects of the aging process, conducted under the sponsorship of the National Institute of Aging the Massachusetts Male Aging Study found that while sexual activity slows down when seen in biological terms, and may be interpreted as a normal aspect of aging, they are sometimes precursors of health problems. And many of those can be erased or moderated through medical treatment, thereby improving sexual responses. Many problems, in fact, have already been obliterated by new knowledge and advanced medical developments like Viagra. In China, Viagra is called Weige, meaning "mighty brother." But even Viagra may not solve all problems, and some of them, many believe, are not important anyhow.

Dr. Richard J. Cross, professor emeritus at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, in New Jersey, still active as a teacher of young physicians-to-be, asks: "Do older men and women really want pretend procreation? No! What they want is closeness, exciting touch, recognition that sexual interest, desire, and activity last throughout life and need to be adapted in new ways as biology slows them down in later years."

And this seems to have more than a grain of truth in it. As one senior put it, "Young people have sex, we make love."

Advice columnist Ann Landers asked her female readers: "Would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly and forget about the 'act'?" Seventy-two percent of the readers who responded said "Yes!" And almost 50 percent of those were under the age of forty.

Fears, anxieties, troubled relationships with a partner, lack of knowledge about health status, and frequently the inability to understand emotions, or to even express them, play a very big role in perceived troubles. And especially those factors pertaining to health which can be ameliorated. But first, Seniors must know.

A survey of 1,000 Australian men and women between 65 and 93 years of age found that 62 percent were not aware of the adverse effects that both prescription medicines, and such emotional illnesses as depression, can have on a person's sex drive. More than one-third of the respondents recognized that sexual activity could have important physical and mental health benefits. Two of the study's authors, Prof. Victor Minichiello and David Plummer, urged Australians to combat this form of ageism by "treating older people as sexual beings."

Debora Demeter, in her paper, Sex And The Elderly, when citing psychological and social factors of elderly sex, defines it as 'ageism' and says it prevails. And, consequently, many older adults who are sexually active and have a sexual desire, find it difficult to follow society's expectations, that guilt and anxiety could compel older adults to conform to these expectations.

"When a woman begins menopause and can no longer bear children, should her sex life be over too?" she asks. "When older men show the same kind of sexual interest as younger men, should they be labled dirty old men?"

It's safe to say that women, just because they can no longer bear children, do not have to accept that along with aging ovaries, their sex lives are over. And these men do not have to accept the label of "dirty old men." In both groups are many people who just want to lead full and vital lives, and are not ready to be relegated to a convent or a monastery, and certainly not to a rocking chair on the front porch.

But these older adults, who are still, or want to be, sexually active, may find it difficult to conform to society's mores. Some shrug off guilt and anxiety, but many cannot be open about their sexual attitudes and beliefs.

In her article in the Register, Ms. Haas cites a Seniors Lifestyle Survey prepared for Secure Horizons, a Medicare health maintenance organization, which found that "sex ranks right up there with with meat and potatoes as a 65-plus staple. Seventy-seven percent of the older crowd said sex is as important to them as it is to younger people. And romance? Eighty-four percent said romance is still important in their lives."

One woman, when asked if she married for companionship, answered: "Well, yes, that and everything else. Yes. Everything."

If you believe that most older people want and are able to lead active, satisfying sex lives, you will also know they probably did so by coping with the physical changes of normal aging. And have probably learned that when problems do occur they should not be viewed as inevitable, but rather the result of disease, disability, prescription drug reactions, or emotional upset requiring medical care and treatment.

Diabetes, which can cause impotence in men, can be controlled and potency may be restored. Stroke rarely damages sexual function.

Arthritis joint pain may limit sexual activity, but surgery and/or drugs, and a program of rest, exercise, and warm baths, as well as changes in position and timing of sexual activity, can be helpful. Medicines such as antidepressants, tranquilizers, and certain high blood pressure drugs, can cause partial or full impotence. Other drugs can lead to no ejaculate in men and reduced sexual desire in women, but doctors can often prescribe a drug with less detrimental sexual effects when told it is important that he or she does.

Hysterectomy, when performed correctly, does not harm sexual functioning of women and neither does a mastectomy. Both may require counselling to get over the hang-ups, and this includes men who consider their partners less feminine after either surgical procedure.

Yes, some changes are inevitable, but, if truth be known, older couples have the same problems that affect people of any age. Even emotional problems, which commonly affect older men due to fatigue, tension, illness, drugs, or alcohol, can make a man temporarily impotent, but potency will usually return by itself unless he continues to worry about it, which may continue his impotence because of his fears. A self-fulfilling prophecy: worry about performance will usually result in inadequate performance. That's just how the mind seems to work.

When it's working properly, some call the mind the greatest aphrodisiac. But to benefit, seniors, both men and women, must dispel the three most prevalent myths: That they are not sexually desirable, that they are not sensually desirous, or that they are not capable of this most important part of living in their later years.

They are, or they can be, as Frank and Regina: "As they kissed again, they felt their blood moving through their veins, their nerve endings tingling, their muscles vibrating, and their chests swelling. And for one long moment they were young and vibrant, and lost in a dream." They know they are alive, and still have complete lives to live.

Many studies have shown that most older people want and are able to have an active, satisfying sex life, just as do most young people. They may have to accomplish it with more patience, more understanding, and more improvisation, but, even then, most sexual problems, medical people say, can, to a large degree, be corrected. What's more difficult for seniors to overcome are the mental hang-ups.

Listen to Regina and Frank after a passionate moment in "A Second Journey," when her "body seemed to melt into his and Frank could feel her tremors enter his body as she kissed him as hard as he kissed her:

'Frank, you make me feel like I felt when I was a young girl.'

'Be a young girl, Regina. We can both be as young as we want to be.'"

GenXers might smirk; Baby Boomers, on their way, may appreciate the news; and Grandma and Grandpa might just smile.

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