Sunday, February 18, 2001
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Sunday, February 18, 2001 |
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Relationship tips By MARY JANE HOLT
Valentine's Day reminds us once more that the card and candy maybe an easy purchase, but it is no secret that relationships are not easy. With approximately 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce, and second marriages having an even higher failure rate, what's a couple to do? I spoke with Dr. Valerie McAdams, a clinical psychologist in practice at Cross Keys Counseling Center who is putting together a marital/couples seminar for the spring. She had several thoughts and suggestions, some of which I have condensed for the purpose of this column. Dr. Valerie suggests that you think about your relationship (think first), and then ask yourself if you're truly happy with the way things are. If you are not, she says it is important to take steps toward creating the kind of love you desire. Whether it seems like your relationship is doomed to fail, or if you have a good relationship that you want to make great, she offers these tips. Communicate clearly. As easy as it may sound, communicating in a way that is respectful, but clearly expresses our expectations and needs, can be difficult. We often talk at each other rather than to each other and without truly listening to what the other has to say. Somehow what we meant to say is misunderstood and/or gets buried. To communicate effectively, take time to listen and reflect (i.e, I want to make sure I understand. Is this what you're saying?). Express to your partner how a situation has affected you (When this happens, I feel), rather than saying You did this or you did that! Accept responsibility. Relationships involve interactions. Each person shares a role in how the relationship either blossoms or fails. If you were asked what your partner needed to do to make things better, you could probably come up with several things quickly. The fair thing to do? Dr. Valerie says to ask yourself the same question. You may not be so quick to answer. This is because we tend to externalize or blame our problems on our others (especially a mate) rather than looking at how we contribute to problems. Instead, be willing to accept some of the blame. Learn to say, "You're right, I was wrong." Such a short, sincere phrase can have a tremendous healing effect. Make an effort to be aware of your faults and focus on how you can improve yourself. Remember, you cannot control another's actions, words or thoughts, only your own; but you can set an example. Let go. Many of us can name the day, time, hour and minute of the last hurts bestowed upon us by our partner. We hold on to it and the hurt often turns into anger. Anger and resentment can destroy relationships. Instead of harboring hurt, learn to work through the anger by dealing with the problem when it happens. Learn to forgive. Remember, we all make mistakes. I know from experience that if you are new to letting go, a good counselor can be very helpful. Not just in marriage, but in many areas of life, we hide or store up our hurt and anger. We plan to discuss it or deal with it later. But Scarlett was right, tomorrow is another day. Another day that is followed by even more tomorrows and it only takes a few times of stuffing it before such action (or inaction) becomes habit. Let go today. Do you want to give yourself the best Valentine's Day gift ever? Then follow these tips from Dr. Valerie: Communicate clearly, accept responsibility, and let go. If your relationship is in trouble, or just showing warming signs, do not be ashamed to seek professional assistance. Call a respected counseling center in your area and inquire about marriage or relationship enhancement seminars. Many churches sponsor such services and they may be available by the hour, evening, day or weekend. Among the sources I have recommended over the years are Christian Families Today founded by Greg and Connie Brezina at 770-461-6053, and Cross Keys Counseling Center at 404-366-3420. These organizations and many others (including faith-based services) sometimes offer pro-rated fee schedules according to your financial status. Don't hesitate to get help if help is needed. Valentine's Day bandaids in the form of cards and candy are not miracle workers. A good relationship takes work. You and your partner are worth it!
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